The following are written thoughts of mine when i was still searching.. As you can see, life was so depressing then.. I can't help but smile when i read them now. I just thought it'd be nice to put them on my blog so you can see the changes as you go along.
A DAY IN THE LIFE OF AN ORDINARY
(January 21, 2003)
Sitting here feeling wasted and useless
Wondering if there ever is a future ahead
You call this a life?
By the end of the day, I go home, watch TV and go to bed
I wake up in the morning, take a bath and go to work
Work, though sometimes busy, sometimes blurry
Is not my idea of a bright future
I live the life of an ordinary
A monotonous adventure, a boring exploit
I feel I have more to give
I feel so blessed with enormous talents
Yet so repressed in many ways
What do i do to make a difference?!?
---------------
BEING ALONE
(January 23, 2003)
I wait for the day when I am me and no one else
When i can contemplate without having to share
Just to work without having to make somebody's day
To ache without having to conceal
To feel pleasure without any reservations
For every man needs some moments of solitude
Some cloudless days free of time and space
Just free to live the moment...
----------------
FEAR OF THE UNKNOWN
(January 24, 2003)
I feel her pain, I see her worries
Trapped in an unwelcome circumstance
Life has never been this agonizing
Always paranoid of the unknown
Fearful of the past haunting back...
--------------------
THE ULTIMATE GOAL
(January 25, 2003)
I wish to see the day when everything is good enough
In which I am able to give them something they can look forward to
Everyday....
Or some purpose in life
Free of anxiety and sham
It is my dream that someday
All our aims and ends are realised
--------------------
HOPES
(January 29, 2003)
I see depression in her eyes
Doors of hope closing in on her heart
The rest of the world seem to give up on her
Heedless of her merits and insensitive of here emotions
They sometimes forget her victories
But they always remember her imperfections
Never forgiving, sometimes adamant
Not giving her enough reason to make up for it
She's glum, she's feeble and she's not getting any younger
If only I could make up for all the things she hope for
If only I could give her all the importance she deserves
Make her feel special and appreciated
Make her hope for another dream
And somehow make them all come true
----------------
FEELING OF EXTREMES
(January 31, 2003)
In this line of work, you come accross two perspectives of extreme nature
At one point you are vital and necessary
The next, you are of no great concern
Yesterday I was the servant
Today, I'm the chief
Do I feel happy about it?
No!
I'd rather be treated fair, treated right
At a certain standpoint.
--------------------
NO TURNING BACK
(February 4, 2003)
My decision has been made
I would either have to spit it out or chew it in
I choose the latter
I've been through this before
But this time, there is no turning back
It's now time to put away uncertainties
And move on...
Hoping maybe, just maybe
I made the right choice
Lord, hope You are with me...
---------------------
SLEEPLESS NIGHTS
(February 5, 2003)
I stayed up late and woke up early
In bed, I kept tossing and turning
My eyes are puffy and my thoughts are on a wander
And every now and then I heave a sigh
I wait for the day
I wish I could drag the hours so I would know
So I could find peace even in defeat
So I could plan even if unrehearsed
So I could hope for better days
------------------
BEREAVEMENT
(March 23, 2003)
She is my friend, my partner at work
Born on the same day and the same year
I almost know her, her moods and her passions
Yet today, she is in deep pain
She is throbbing and sore
Crying silently and being brave
Her ordeal seems unbearable
Yet she holds on
But then she passes out
And even unconscious, her face illustrates sorrow
Yet there I am, sitting on a corner
When emotions are running high
I could never imagine her loss
I could not know how to comfort her
And i never want to know
For i pray hard it never happens to me
I would rather solve an unending puzzle
Than take a loss I could not bear
I may not be able to understand
But I will learn to feel
Even without knowing what it's like
I'd rather be that...
---------------------
A MOMENT'S VICTORY
(April 10, 2003)
It was already morning when we arrived
We were stressed out, without sleep and a bunch of nerves
When finally the time came to face the challenge
I couldn't keep my hands from shaking
I was preparing myself non-stop
But my nervousness seems to take me over
When they finally called my name
My confidence was renewed
I was myself again!
I was witty and proud and I delivered!
It was a good feeling knowing I achieved what I cam here for
Knowing I did what others could not do
In that little moment, I felt that victorious feeling
Oh how sweet it is!
--------------------
THE LAST DAY
(April 17, 2003)
I've taken all my things
Turned over my responsibilities
And removed all my files
For three years since i first started to work here
This is the hardest moment to remember
Working your last day
Punching your last time-out
And seeing and doing the usual things for the last time
They said it's harder to be left behind
Than to leave someone behind
Perhaps it is so!
But it is also hard not to live the usual routine i have come accustomed to
Not to see familiar faces I have come to love
Not to experience the joy of belonging to a group of fun and loving people
This experience has been worthwhile
I have learned more than I can imagine
And I've gained friends more than I expected
These memories I shall keep with me
Forever...
-------------------
LEAVING!
(April 30, 2003)
I've packed my bags and I've said my goodbyes
I've tried so hard to be strong
But deep inside I'm just holding on to a thin line of thread
That would keep me from breaking down in tears
I'm not a showy person, nor do I express myself in words
I keep my thoughts and my feelings to myself
Others may see that as cowardly
But I see that as my strength
And as the time draws near for me to say my final goodbye
I keep hanging on to that thread to keep me going
But it's hard looking at the eyes of my family whom I'll be leaving behind
Seeing the longing in their eyes and sadness in their hearts
I wish I could say things will be just fine
But I can't
For I don't know what's ahead of me
What's waiting for me out there?
Will i come back sooner than expected?
The question now remains..
Will I ever?!?
---------------------
ADJUSTMENT PERIOD
(May 11, 2003)
It's been over a week now since I came to this place
And it's only now that things are starting to sink in
It's such a lonely feeling when you're away from everything you love
From your family, from your friends
And from your surroundings and behaviours
you've come to be familiar with
I miss myself
I miss how I could live so carefree and funny
I miss how I could enjoy life so simply
But I am strong
I know I could look back and move on
They may treat me like some fragile glass
Someone who needs caring
But I can take care of myself
I'm stronger than what they regard me to be
---------------
A HOME DIVIDED
(May 26, 2003)
Everday is torture
There is so much silence and discomfort
Like calm enemies without any visible cause
It's a house but it's not a home
Divided into two
One in union and one by blood
Which one should make a way to make things better?
I guess no one should ever try
For it's a home that is divided
A union not blessed by Gos
A blood not nurtured by time
-------------------------------
IN BETWEEN TWO WORLDS
(June 13, 2003)
One lives with it
One condemns it
One is spotless
One finds out where the spots are
One's bigger yet so crowded
One's too small yet so full of space
One is too nice and too Godly
One is too silent and worldly
And I'm caught in between
And sometimes I feel I can't breathe
I need some air..
I need some time for myself
I need a friend...
-----------------
I'M SORRY, DAD
(July 9, 2003)
In your unknowing ways you've hurt me so many times
You're cutting me into pieces and you have no idea how
Which is why I have to leave
So things won't be complicated
You don't know me too well and I don't know you either
Sometimes you're like a stranger to me
And i know i am as well to you
It's better this way, dad
Maybe in time we'll learn to understand each other better
Learn to build our relationship more
As father and daughter
I'm sorry I'm not who you expected me to be
And i'm sorry i can't repay all the help you've given me
You're getting older and I should be more willing to understand
And i do.
But i love my mother...
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