.. Of true hearts and real passions...

First... of true hearts..

- Sunday (May 27, 2007) -

This Sunday, I was assigned to lead praise and worship at church. So I prayed and sought for God's voice. And all week long, the messages that I've come across has been all about openness and honesty. The signs were everywhere. The newspaper i read, the movie i watch, the conversation i overhear. Literally, everywhere. And so, I tried to reflect on what God was trying to say.

Personally, the message was for me. I'm not an open book to be honest so for a start, openness has to begin from me. So point taken, i took it upon myself to try to be more open about my true emotions, my fears and inhibitions.

But what about honesty in worship. Sometimes, we make mistakes of following a pattern or having a standard in leading worship. Does it need to end in a certain way? On a high note? Will the songs lead the people to worship? We tend to complicate things more instead of just going back to basics. We forget that what matters is what's inside the heart.

I believe that God wants us to be open and true. What's really inside your heart. Are you hurting, broken and contrite? David always pours out his heart to God. He would cry about his enemies. About his failures. But in the end, he glorifies God and worships God for His faithfulness. And that's what should come out when we worship. Our openness and honesty when coming in the presence of the King. In humility, give ourselves openly and thankfully praising God for His mercy and grace.


Second.. Of REAL PASSIONS!

Bank Holiday - May 28, 2007

This monday, Pastor Melchor scheduled a congregational whole day prayer and fasting. So, those of us who could make it gathered together at St. Stephen's Church to pray and seek God. God said, "If My people who are called by My name will humble themselves, and pray and turn from their wicked ways, then will I hear from heaven and will forgive their sins and heal their land."

Truly, we needed to seek God. All month of April, I've always had this longing to seek God more. I even told my friend and cousin, Shawnee if we could start something, even with just the two of us, to do something in order to seek God through prayer. Cause honestly, during the past weeks, we've all been busy going to outreaches, doing this and that activity that I felt, Yes we were busy with the kingdom but not with the King.

Also, I've noticed that seats are slowly vacated every Sunday and the people who used to come hasn't been coming anymore. What's happening? Sometimes, even our church services seemed heavy. There's really that need. God is speaking to us. SEEK ME MORE!

So this Monday, I believed we finally came together. Like the families who helped Nehemiah build the wall, we came united in prayer. We sought God on our knees. Cried till we have no more tears and interceded like never before. Yes, INTERCEDE!

Truly, we need to keep the fire burning. Cause when the burden is gone, the passion starts to fade. And what's left? A heart that's void of passion for the lost and hurting.

And this is just a start. I know God will do more great things as long as we keep on seeking Him and Him alone.

.............

The following song is my own composition that was inspired from the book of Gwen Shaw about prayer and intercession (Teach me to weep)

TEACH ME TO CRY
(C) 2005

Here I am, Lord on my knees
Listen to my pleas
As I pray on behalf
Of those who are in need of Your mercy,
Forgiveness and peace
The lost and the sinner
The poor and the weak

Chorus:
Teach me to cry and weep
Teach me to pray, oh Lord and intercede
I'll cry and weep
Let my heart be broken
Bruised and broken
Let my heart be contrite
Oh have mercy, Lord
Draw us close to You

Bridge:
Grant us, Lord Your mercy
And lead us by Your grace
Touch our hearts and soul
That we might see You face to face
.............

My Diary of Songs

Here's a list of some of the gospel songs I've composed throughout the years since i came to be saved. They're my heart's cry and my true voice...

HEART'S CRY/ CALLING OUT TO YOU
(Music: 1998, Lyrics: Jan 2004)

You gave everything for me
Freed all my sins and set me free
What more can I say
What more can I ask for?

When I am down You pick me up
When I am tired You lift me up
You are my comfort, and my peace

Yet still at times, I loose my way
At times I make mistakes
At times I wonder why, Lord hear my cry

Please be with me, speak to me
I need to hear Your voice in my my heart
I want to live each single day with You
So please, oh Lord
Stay with me
When I am weak then I am strong
For You're my strength
And You're my guide
Forever..

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Oh Lord, hear me calling
When I am crying
I seek for Your will in my life
I am longing, I am seeking
Do as You please with me

Calling out to You, seeking for Your truth
I long to hear Your voice speaking to my heart

Fill this longing in my heart
Fill this longing in my soul
Fill me with Your spirit
And Your passion from above
(Repeat)

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KAIBIGAN
(Music:1998, Lyrics: Jan 2004)

Kaibigan, isang tanong, isang sagot
Naniniwala ka ba?
Sa nag-iisang dakila
Hesus ang ngalan Niya
Siya lang ang kaligtasan
At ang iyong pag-asa

Kaibigan, bakit mo pinagyayabang sa iba
Ang yaman mo sa lupa
Sa langit meron ba?
Hindi ka maililigtas ng Iyong mga gawa

Pagkat Siya lamang
Ang tanging daan sa kaligtasan
At tunay na yaman
Na naghihintay sa langit
Nakahanda para lang sa iyo
Basta't sumunod ka lang
Sa utos Niya't salita
Kaibigan ko

Huwag kang liliko
Huwag na huwag kang lalayo
Kung may bagyo
Kumapit ka lamang sa Kanya

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LORD, YOU ARE MY SONG
(Music: 1996, Lyrics: Jan 2004)

Lord, You are my song
I worship You alone
For no one else compares
All of the things You've done

You have created me
In spite of my weakness You love me still
So Lord, I lift to thee
My voice and my praises
My life and my heart
And to no one else but You, Lord

All that I've ever long for
Is to be right with You, Lord
You're all I ever need
In my life forevermore

Lord, You are my song
My music and melody
You fill my life with songs
In all of my days
I will sing all my praises
To you, oh Lord

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IN THE SHELTER OF YOUR WINGS
Psalm 61
(January 30, 2004)

Hear my cry attend to my prayer
From the ends of the earth I will call to You
When my heart is overwhelmed
Lead me to the rock that is higher than me

For You have been a shelter for me
My strong tower from the enemy
I will trust, I will abide
In the shelter of Your wings
In the shelter of Your wings

For You, o God have heard my vows
For those who fear Your name
You have answered their pleas
So I will sing my praises to You
That I may perform my vows

My Diary of Poems (A life with Jesus)

BORN ANEW
(July 21, 2003)

I never expected this sudden change in me
Least of all, this decision to be a part of something great
I have been baptised
And i felt the Holy Spirit enveloping me in a tight embrace
Now my eyes are open
And now I see and understand things more clearly
And I have only these special people to thank for
For they have welcomed me
And accepted me with open arms
Without prejudice nor impatience
But accepted me for who I am
Now I'm a new man!

---------------------

ONE DAY AT A TIME
(December 26, 2003)

Why do I feel this way?
Who do I feel so burdened and restricted?
I thought I was getting past that stage
I thought I knew of a way to make it all better
But time and time again I feel pressured to deliver
To follow and to perfom the way they do

Oh Lord please help me to understand
Help me to overcome these struggles that I find
Give me the strength to stand through all the test of time
Be with me, Lord
And keep me within Your sight
Keep me in Your presence
In Your unfading light

Sometimes I feel I've had enough
But by Your grace I keep hanging on
I want to leave and get away from it all
But You keep pressing me on
To hold on to my faith and never let go

I know I fall short of a lot of things
And I ask for Your forgiveness
All I ever wanted is to be right with You
So lead me, Lord
As I take it step by step
One day at a time

--------------------------

MEEKNESS
(February 7, 2004)

Lord, I ask for forgiveness
Purify my actions
Lord, I should know better
I've heard Your words
And I keep being reminded on
But I stand proud
And I hear without understanding
I close my heart and pretend not to listen
So now I humble down before You
Take away all my pride
And open the eyes of my heart
Make me wise to understand
Make me humble to please You
Make me worthy to be Yours..

----------------------

PERSECUTED
(March 6, 2004)

I'm a sinner not a saint
But when they look at me they paint
A different picture in their minds
People tend to overact
They criticise without the facts
And they seem to know what it's all about

But i don't care of what they say about me
They don't know what's inside my heart
I will never compromise my faith
I will always cling to what I believe
By my sacrifice I'll be rewarded
By my faith I'll be saved

--------------------------

BLESSED
(May 11, 2004)

I feel so blessed nowadays
You've given me so much meaning in my life
And You've taught me so many things
For adding one more year to my number
I have come to terms with a lot of things
I've learned that happiness doesn't come
With pleasure or ambition or fame or fortune
It comes with knowing you are contented
And You've given me that
And I've learned that love doesn't come from shallow ground
It comes from a good and strong foundation

My Diary of Poems ( A life without Jesus)

The following are written thoughts of mine when i was still searching.. As you can see, life was so depressing then.. I can't help but smile when i read them now. I just thought it'd be nice to put them on my blog so you can see the changes as you go along.


A DAY IN THE LIFE OF AN ORDINARY
(January 21, 2003)

Sitting here feeling wasted and useless
Wondering if there ever is a future ahead
You call this a life?
By the end of the day, I go home, watch TV and go to bed
I wake up in the morning, take a bath and go to work

Work, though sometimes busy, sometimes blurry
Is not my idea of a bright future

I live the life of an ordinary
A monotonous adventure, a boring exploit
I feel I have more to give
I feel so blessed with enormous talents
Yet so repressed in many ways
What do i do to make a difference?!?

---------------

BEING ALONE
(January 23, 2003)

I wait for the day when I am me and no one else
When i can contemplate without having to share
Just to work without having to make somebody's day
To ache without having to conceal
To feel pleasure without any reservations
For every man needs some moments of solitude
Some cloudless days free of time and space
Just free to live the moment...

----------------

FEAR OF THE UNKNOWN
(January 24, 2003)

I feel her pain, I see her worries
Trapped in an unwelcome circumstance
Life has never been this agonizing
Always paranoid of the unknown
Fearful of the past haunting back...

--------------------

THE ULTIMATE GOAL
(January 25, 2003)

I wish to see the day when everything is good enough
In which I am able to give them something they can look forward to
Everyday....
Or some purpose in life
Free of anxiety and sham
It is my dream that someday
All our aims and ends are realised

--------------------

HOPES
(January 29, 2003)

I see depression in her eyes
Doors of hope closing in on her heart
The rest of the world seem to give up on her
Heedless of her merits and insensitive of here emotions
They sometimes forget her victories
But they always remember her imperfections
Never forgiving, sometimes adamant
Not giving her enough reason to make up for it

She's glum, she's feeble and she's not getting any younger
If only I could make up for all the things she hope for
If only I could give her all the importance she deserves
Make her feel special and appreciated
Make her hope for another dream
And somehow make them all come true

----------------

FEELING OF EXTREMES
(January 31, 2003)

In this line of work, you come accross two perspectives of extreme nature
At one point you are vital and necessary
The next, you are of no great concern
Yesterday I was the servant
Today, I'm the chief
Do I feel happy about it?
No!
I'd rather be treated fair, treated right
At a certain standpoint.

--------------------

NO TURNING BACK
(February 4, 2003)

My decision has been made
I would either have to spit it out or chew it in
I choose the latter
I've been through this before
But this time, there is no turning back
It's now time to put away uncertainties
And move on...
Hoping maybe, just maybe
I made the right choice
Lord, hope You are with me...

---------------------

SLEEPLESS NIGHTS
(February 5, 2003)

I stayed up late and woke up early
In bed, I kept tossing and turning
My eyes are puffy and my thoughts are on a wander
And every now and then I heave a sigh
I wait for the day

I wish I could drag the hours so I would know
So I could find peace even in defeat
So I could plan even if unrehearsed
So I could hope for better days

------------------

BEREAVEMENT
(March 23, 2003)

She is my friend, my partner at work
Born on the same day and the same year
I almost know her, her moods and her passions
Yet today, she is in deep pain
She is throbbing and sore
Crying silently and being brave
Her ordeal seems unbearable
Yet she holds on
But then she passes out
And even unconscious, her face illustrates sorrow

Yet there I am, sitting on a corner
When emotions are running high
I could never imagine her loss
I could not know how to comfort her
And i never want to know
For i pray hard it never happens to me
I would rather solve an unending puzzle
Than take a loss I could not bear
I may not be able to understand
But I will learn to feel
Even without knowing what it's like
I'd rather be that...

---------------------

A MOMENT'S VICTORY
(April 10, 2003)

It was already morning when we arrived
We were stressed out, without sleep and a bunch of nerves
When finally the time came to face the challenge
I couldn't keep my hands from shaking
I was preparing myself non-stop
But my nervousness seems to take me over
When they finally called my name
My confidence was renewed
I was myself again!
I was witty and proud and I delivered!

It was a good feeling knowing I achieved what I cam here for
Knowing I did what others could not do
In that little moment, I felt that victorious feeling
Oh how sweet it is!

--------------------

THE LAST DAY
(April 17, 2003)

I've taken all my things
Turned over my responsibilities
And removed all my files
For three years since i first started to work here
This is the hardest moment to remember
Working your last day
Punching your last time-out
And seeing and doing the usual things for the last time

They said it's harder to be left behind
Than to leave someone behind
Perhaps it is so!
But it is also hard not to live the usual routine i have come accustomed to
Not to see familiar faces I have come to love
Not to experience the joy of belonging to a group of fun and loving people

This experience has been worthwhile
I have learned more than I can imagine
And I've gained friends more than I expected
These memories I shall keep with me
Forever...

-------------------

LEAVING!
(April 30, 2003)

I've packed my bags and I've said my goodbyes
I've tried so hard to be strong
But deep inside I'm just holding on to a thin line of thread
That would keep me from breaking down in tears
I'm not a showy person, nor do I express myself in words
I keep my thoughts and my feelings to myself
Others may see that as cowardly
But I see that as my strength

And as the time draws near for me to say my final goodbye
I keep hanging on to that thread to keep me going
But it's hard looking at the eyes of my family whom I'll be leaving behind
Seeing the longing in their eyes and sadness in their hearts
I wish I could say things will be just fine
But I can't
For I don't know what's ahead of me
What's waiting for me out there?
Will i come back sooner than expected?
The question now remains..
Will I ever?!?

---------------------

ADJUSTMENT PERIOD
(May 11, 2003)

It's been over a week now since I came to this place
And it's only now that things are starting to sink in
It's such a lonely feeling when you're away from everything you love
From your family, from your friends
And from your surroundings and behaviours
you've come to be familiar with

I miss myself
I miss how I could live so carefree and funny
I miss how I could enjoy life so simply

But I am strong
I know I could look back and move on
They may treat me like some fragile glass
Someone who needs caring
But I can take care of myself
I'm stronger than what they regard me to be

---------------

A HOME DIVIDED
(May 26, 2003)

Everday is torture
There is so much silence and discomfort
Like calm enemies without any visible cause
It's a house but it's not a home
Divided into two
One in union and one by blood
Which one should make a way to make things better?
I guess no one should ever try
For it's a home that is divided
A union not blessed by Gos
A blood not nurtured by time

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IN BETWEEN TWO WORLDS
(June 13, 2003)

One lives with it
One condemns it
One is spotless
One finds out where the spots are
One's bigger yet so crowded
One's too small yet so full of space
One is too nice and too Godly
One is too silent and worldly
And I'm caught in between
And sometimes I feel I can't breathe
I need some air..
I need some time for myself
I need a friend...

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I'M SORRY, DAD
(July 9, 2003)

In your unknowing ways you've hurt me so many times
You're cutting me into pieces and you have no idea how
Which is why I have to leave
So things won't be complicated
You don't know me too well and I don't know you either
Sometimes you're like a stranger to me
And i know i am as well to you

It's better this way, dad
Maybe in time we'll learn to understand each other better
Learn to build our relationship more
As father and daughter

I'm sorry I'm not who you expected me to be
And i'm sorry i can't repay all the help you've given me
You're getting older and I should be more willing to understand
And i do.
But i love my mother...

My first post

Oh well, i thought i'd start my own blog. I've always written my thoughts on paper and never intended to share them. These past few days however, i've realised it's a form of release. So here i am, writing my past and present thoughts; my own diary of poems, of sonnets and songs..