It's been a while... Then have a peek at my past journal entries

Yeah, it's been a while.

I really haven't had the chance to update my blog for the past months (my, my! i can't believe it's been months already). Oh well....

Well, i've been preoccupied with so many things... ministry, work and so many more.. although, there's so much to say about what's happened, i could never sum it all. but all i can say is, God has been working and is working still. And I'm just privileged and blessed to be a part of it.

....

Anyway, i was sorting out my stuff the other day and i came upon my personal journal of written thoughts and songs and i browsed through it and was intrigued at what i've written in the past. I got saved July of 2003 and as I read, I'm amazed at how God is changing me from glory to glory. And so i also wanted to put it here on my blog.. Hope you will also be blessed!

THE SPONGE (Written July 08, 2004, a year after I got saved)

Have you ever felt so down and so heavy you seem to have lost it sometimes? I know I have. Just recently, I felt as if I've been squeezed out, worn out and utterly tired out of my mind. And what's worse, that was what I was feeling spiritually. From the outside, no one had a clue what I was going through. And deep within, I knew I still had the connection to God, but somehow, I can't get through the line. Maybe because there was no signal..... FROM ME...

I don't know! I felt so tired of the environment I live in, sick of hearing the same things over and over again. I felt so overused and exposed. Nothing I hear or say ever sinks in. It felt too much for me, I can't hardly breathe. But then, even though I felt that way, I kept on believing I'd get over it one day.

Then one time, just as we were having our Wednesday devotion, I was moved by a force to finally open up and reveal what I was feeling inside. Our topic was about encouragement but I felt it touched openness too. For it made me realise that if I keep on nursing these feelings, I might just end up in ditch. Besides, these are the people I share the bathroom with everyday. Who else should I turn to? I mean, spiritually, why should I keep digging my grave?

So as I tearfully recounted the things I've felt, the thoughts I've kept, there seemed to be a release of sorts. Suddenly, I was carrying a lighter load. But there was still something there, an excess baggage. Then as I was tasked to close our devotion with a prayer, the Lord spoke to me in pictures.

I saw a sponge, all dried up and alone. Then a hand took the sponge, dipped it in a clean water which washed away the dirt, and squeezed it just enough to still have some water in it, put some washing liquid and used it again. I didn't know what the Lord wanted to say to me at first.

Then I realised, that could be me. I was the sponge! In my worship to God, I allowed myself to be squeezed out and dried up. Like a sponge when it's been dried up, if you use it to wipe away the dirt, it will just gather them on the surface that even if you puff it out, the dirt won't go away. That was me. Spiritually, I was dried up and worn out. Because I was tired of the situation, I was harbouring inside the negative aspects of what I was hearing and seeing. I was gathering the dirt. The pores to my understanding were blocked out that no amount of teaching would come in.

But then the Lord wanted to tell me that I could be made clean. If I humble down, learn to open up and understand, then all the sins that I've made will be washed away. For by His Son, Jesus Christ, we have all been saved when He died on the cross for our sins. He is the Living water. And through Him, can we be made clean. When I accepted Jesus as my Lord and Savior, I have been redeemed. And so, when I feel as though I have lost that connection, all I need to do is to go back again. Go back to His words and dip myself in the Living water and be cleansed. In doing so, I am opening to God's love.

I now realise that whenever I feel burdened, heavy or tired, all I have to do is freshen up! Be a sponge. Open up and absorb God's love. Don't squeeze yourself to dry, to get rid of things you want to get rid off. It won't. For God will never allow you to. Instead, open up and allow God to squeeze you up just right and just enough to absorb His love.

My prayer in moments like these:

LORD, DON'T LET ME DRY UP
Through Your Son, Jesus Christ, renew me again and refill me with Your Holy Spirit.
Lord, squeeze me just right, that I might be soaked in Your love.
AMEN...

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(next journal)

BIG CHANGES (written January 28, 2005)

These past few days, I have been contemplating on how I have come to change so gradually in all aspects of my life. Physically, I can feel I'm getting older (not that I am old). I mean, I'm not as fit as I used to (I do splits and kicks before since I do aiki-jitsu. he he!), my knee joints sometimes click with sudden movements. I also feel as though I have to constantly keep watch of what I eat. Not that I'm strict on diet, anyway (I just can't help it. I love my pack of bueno or a bag of sensations balsamic & vinegar flavor.. (-:)

I've also noticed some sad changes! I say sad because it makes me remember how sometimes work can be so depressing. Sometimes the job takes its toll and your inexperience leaves a mark. And the pain on your back, just don't seem to go away. Everyday tube or bus ride is your nap time as you can't keep your eyes from dropping off every time you get yourself in a comfortable position. Sometimes you wonder where you get your strength from. But then, that's another story...

Emotionally, I have overcome my struggles. My longing and sense of comfort have been kept at a distance. The comfortee has become the comforter. Suddenly, I'm in charge! And I can say I've handled it quite well.. My insensitivity have been thrown, awkwardness and pride put on aside leaving just a pure and heartfelt intent. I'm not saying I've grown to be a saint but I understand things better now and why they happen. I used to not let my emotions take control but now I've grown more mature at how I react to things. Suddenly, I don't just think of my needs. In fact, I think of my needs less and I feel happy doing so. Well, sometimes you still can't resist to treat yourself with lame excuses but who ever said you'd be perfect.

Mentally, I've become more wiser. Yes, wiser! I sometimes feel I've aged to leaps and bounds! Things are so clear to me now. My understanding seems to be so simple and right-in-your-face. Why don't people get it? Don't they know all the answers to their questions are written in the bible? If only people would look at the bible as if it's their diary or their self-help meditation books. Not some traditional memento, or you know? the 'not-for-me-just-for-the-oldies' kind of reasoning, or the 'so-boring-i-couldn't-keep-my-eyes-open' excuses. Man, how lame!

And spiritually, well... this is where it all started. If I haven't changed spiritually, I would have been a completely different person. You see, it affected every area of my life. Having Jesus in your heart and accepting Him as your Saviour, your Lord and Friend makes a big difference. This is where it begins and it's where it happens. You don't get to change overnight. Your willingness to accept His words and live His words are the barometers to change. You undergo the Refiner's fire until you may well be fit enough to shine like gold. You undergo struggles and persecutions but as you do, you tend to be more stronger and bolder to move on, to speak and take action.

What else can I say....


SUDDEN THOUGHTS...... (July 2003 to JANUARY 30, 2005)

Lessons I've learned in my walk with God (well, as of date written above)

1. Salvation... the only way
2. God's words are painful but it heals.
3. In Him, you find peace that passes ALL understanding
4. Give more of you, think less of your needs & think more of others
5. Contentment is the key
6. The gift of sacrifice - having the burden
7. Prayers can go where no man has ever gone
8. How far can I go? How much am i willing to take? (Patience!!)
9. Commitment
10. SUBMISSION - the big word!
11. For worship to be worship, it has to come with a price...

and more....

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GOD BLESS!